


you caused my heart to bleed.

by bigotes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, alex was sad in my last fic, honestly i don't know, so now john is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 15:36:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8214511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigotes/pseuds/bigotes
Summary: They were soulmates. John really believed that. He doesn’t know if he stills do. Maybe. Maybe soulmates don’t exist after all. Perhaps soulmates aren’t perfect. John wasn’t perfect. Alexander wasn’t either. Maybe it was the love they share for each other what counted. Or where Alexander and John are married, and Alexander cheats.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, I decided to write more angst! Yay! 
> 
> My first language is not English, so if you see something that's misspelled, feel free to correct me! 
> 
> I hope this is as angsty as I wanted it to be. Enjoy!

John met Alexander at college. They were both sophomores. John wanted to be a nurse. Alexander wanted to be a lawyer. John often found himself overwhelmed by the amount of love he had for Alexander. He still does.

Alexander was everything he was missing. He made John feel worthy again. Alexander gave John a voice, and showed him how to use it. John was used to being shushed by his father. He felt repressed in his own house. And then Alex came, all reckless and bold. He never kept anything to himself. He was everything John admired. It was easy to fall in love with him.

They were young, but it never felt wrong. They were soulmates. John really believed that. He doesn’t know if he stills do. Maybe. Maybe soulmates don’t exist after all. Perhaps soulmates aren’t perfect. John wasn’t perfect. Alexander wasn’t either. Maybe it was the love they share for each other what counted.

When Alexander asked him to marry him, John couldn’t say anything but yes.

They were sitting in a very expensive restaurant. John kind of felt bad, neither of them had enough money to afford a place like that. But he tried to push that thought aside, he could repay Alexander later.

“You look beautiful.” Alexander mumbled, his eyes glued to his boyfriend’s face. Everything about John was beautiful to Alex, his eyes, his freckles, his smile. The way he always smiled after a kiss. His hair. John Laurens truly was… Perfect.

“You’ve already said that.” John reminded him, trying to hide his smirk behind his glass.

“It is true, my dear Laurens.” Alex responded. He used to use that nickname as a joke, but he never missed the way John’s cheeks would turn a little red after hearing it.

“I love you.” Laurens decided to answer, his smile too big to hide now. “More than you’ll ever know.”

“I think I know. I love you the same way.” Alexander started to stand up, only to kneel in front of John’s seat.

“What are you doing, Alex?” John sounded confused.

“I love you, my dear, and I wanted to ask you…”

“Oh my god, Alex-“

“Will you marry me?”

“Of course, you idiot!”

John didn’t hear the cheers of the people surrounding them, the only think he could do was to kiss his now fiancé, overwhelmed by how much he loved him.

They graduated a week after. Alexander was hired by George Washington. He bought an apartment for both of them. John never been happier.

Their wedding was small, yet perfect. Aaron and Theodosia were there, Theodosia with that big smile of hers, and Aaron with a small one. Hercules was there, next to Lafayette, both of them looking completely proud and happy for their best friends. Eliza was there, too, she carried the rings. Angelica and Peggy looked beautiful in their dresses. John doesn’t think he’s ever seen George Washington smile the way he smiled at their wedding. It was one of the happiest day of his life.

But not as happy as the day that Philip came into the picture. Philip looked like John, but his personality belonged to Alexander. Then William was born, and John had to give up his job as a nurse. It didn’t feel like he was losing at the time. He was happy to do sacrifices for his family.

“I was thinking…” Alex mumbled one night, laying in the bed, but clearly far from being sleepy. “We should have another one.”

“Another what?” Answered Laurens, voice low, just above a whisper. It was exhausting being a stay-at-home parent, and he tried to sleep as much as possible.

“Another child.” Said Alexander, his eyes founding their way into his lover’s. He had an excited smile on his face. “A girl. We can name her Eliza.”

“I’m pretty sure the gender is not up to you.” Answered John, amusement in his voice. “Are you sure, though? We’re barely holding it together with two.”

“I’m sure.” The immigrant said. “It’ll be fine. As long as we’re together.”

“Okay.” He said, just to press a quick peck in his husband’s lips. “Let’s do it.”

And then Eliza came into their life. She was perfect. She had black eyes, and she was the cutest thing. But John was tired. Exhausted. Most of the time, he was fast asleep when Alexander came home from work. Alexander’s side of the bed was always cold when he woke up. It didn’t help that Hamilton was a workaholic by nature. He didn’t regret Eliza. He just wished that Alex would help him a little bit more with the kids, instead of staying at work late, and being the first one to arrive. John knew how much Alex loved his job, of course, but sometimes you had to make sacrifices for your family, right?

“I think you should stop working so hard. Maybe help me a little with the kids.” John said one day, Eliza in his arms, peacefully sleeping.

“I don’t think we can afford me taking time off, John. We have three kids we need to feed.” Alexander said, his voice annoyed.

“Well, I could go back to work.” Answered the freckled man, looking at his husband with hopeful eyes.

Hamilton laughed, but not in a funny way. It was a dry laugh. “Yeah, right. Who’s gonna take care of the kids, then, John? Philip is only nine.”

“I’m just saying… I’m tired, you know?” John said, biting his lip. He loved being with the kids, doing homework with William and reading Philip’s poetry. But he needed to take a break, too. “I’m sure we can work something out.”

“If you keep that attitude, I hardly doubt it.” Answered his husband, suddenly stepping up and leaving the table where they were having breakfast.

“Where are you going?” Asked Laurens, his voice full of guilt. He probably shouldn’t have pushed the conversation, when Alex was clearly uncomfortable. “Alexander!”

“I’m going to work!” He said, from the house door. “I’ll grab something to eat there.”

John was startled by the sound of the door closing. He tried to keep quiet while he cried, he didn’t want to wake up Eliza.

Maria Reynolds was an intern at Alexander’s company. She was young, pretty and smart.

Alexander looked tired. He hated arguing with John. Part of him knew his husband was right, but it was hard for him to admit he was wrong. His work was one of the most important parts of his life. And yes, he loved his family, but he couldn’t stop working right now. He was in the middle of an important case. He had to win.

“Excuse me, sir?” Maria called from the door of his office. “I was just wondering if you were okay. You look… Well, tired, sir.”

The question took Alexander by surprise. Nobody had asked him that in a long time. It felt good. “Oh. Well. I am. It’s just…” He sighed, suddenly realizing what he was about to say. “I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t care about my problems.”

“Of course I care, sir.” Maria answered, sitting in front of Alexander’s desk. “I did ask, after all. You’re one of the nicest with me here. I would like to know you’re okay.”

And Hamilton, maybe blinded by the attention he was receiving, spilled everything out. “It’s just… I have a newborn baby. And she is perfect, don’t get me wrong, but now my husband and I barely talk anymore. We’re both always busy. And if we do, we’re arguing about something. He just asked me to stop working so hard, but if I stop, we won’t be able to pay for everything the kids need.”

“That sound exhausting.” The girl answered, getting up and walking around the desk, until she was behind Alexander’s chair. “Is it okay if I help you to relax a bit, sir?”

“I- “His voice was cut by Maria’s hands on his shoulder. It felt amazing. He could feel how the tension slowly leaved his body. “That feels good.”

“Yeah?” She said, her voice suddenly much closer than he remembered. He looked up to her and found her face just inches away from his. She slowly began to close the gap between their faces. “Is this okay, Mr. Hamilton?” She asked, just a whisper.

Alex kissed her in response.

He honestly wishes he could say that was the last time. He’s been wishing that for over a year, now.

Eliza’s birthday was probably the worst day of John’s life.

She was born near July, and they had decided to celebrate the birthday at their house, with only their closest friends. She was just a baby, after all, and all the friends she had were Lafayette and Hercules’s children, along with Theodosia Burr, who was nine but still liked to play with the baby. Though not as much as she liked to play with Philip. And Eliza’s daughter, Angie, named after her sister.

John had spent the whole morning decorating their living room, baking the cake and trying to make everything perfect for her little girl, while Alexander was at work. He could had asked for the day off; John knew George Washington would have granted that without blinking, but he didn’t want to argue with him the day of his daughter birthday, so he shut his mouth about that.

Eventually, the guest started to arrive. Everyone was there, except for his husband, Hamilton.

“Are you okay?” Asked Lafayette, seeing right through his fake smile. Everyone was giving him concerned looks, and all John wanted to do was sit in his bed and cry for the rest of the week. “John, you look like you haven’t had a decent sleep in forever.”

“I’m okay.” He answered, not sure if he was saying that to himself or answering his friends. “I’m okay, everyone is okay, and its Eliza’s birthday, so let’s all be happy in this special day, okay?”

“John…” Lafayette said, sounding more like a warning.

“I said I’m okay.” He repeated, staring at his friend, until the French man gave up and nodded.

Alexander came just after the Happy Birthday song. His hair was a mess, and when John approached him, there was a mark in his neck. “Go change your shirt.” He demanded.

“John…” Alexander started, looking at his husband with fear in his eyes.

“It’s fine.” Laurens interrupted, forcing a smile in his face. “Just another burn, right?”

Alexander nodded almost immediately. “Yes, exactly.”

“Go change your shirt. Then go tell Happy Birthday to Eliza.”

That night, after everyone had left and his husband was in the shower, John sat in his bed and cried. The signs were obvious, but John refused to believe them. Alexander was his soulmate. Why would he do that to him? They probably were burns. John was overreacting. Alexander loved him. He loved Alexander. Everything was okay. It was just a rough day, but everything would eventually go back to normal. Yes.

Eliza’s birthday was probably the worst day of his life.

Except it wasn’t.

It was his birthday. They were having dinner. Alexander wasn’t there. Again.

“Where’s Alex?” Asked Eliza, their friend, looking at John with a sympathetic look on her face.

“At work, I guess.” John answered, then looked down at his plate. He wasn’t hungry.

Philip, Will and Eliza were sleeping in their room. This was supposed to be a fun time. It didn’t feel like a lot of fun.

Then, Alexander came into the living room. There was a girl with him. Everyone looked at him. “I’m sorry for being late!” He said. “She’s Maria. I hope it’s okay I brought her, there was some trouble in her building, and she can't sleep there today. She works with me.”

“They’re fixing it.” She said, smiling shyly at the guests.

She was pretty. She looked young. She looked full of live, while John looked like a zombie half of the time. He felt his chest hurt. He stayed quiet.

“Happy birthday, John, by the way.” Alex murmured just before giving his husband a hug. “Is okay if she stays, right?” He asked, in a whisper.

“Yes.” John answered, breaking the hug. He could feel Lafayette’s eyes on him. His eyes were burning. “Please sit down and let us finish the dinner, Alexander.”

Hamilton nodded. “He’s not very nice, is he?” Maria said under her breath, his words meant to be heard by Hamilton only.

Angelica tried to make small talk, but quickly the conversation died.

“I’ll go find the dessert.” Alexander announced. He got up, Maria following him.

“I’ll help him. It’s the least I can do.” She excused herself, and they both entered the kitchen.

John knew what everyone was thinking. He’s never felt more pathetic in his life. “I- Uhm. Excuse for a second.” He managed to blurt out, and entered the kitchen, unable to breathe normally.

Maria was kissing Alexander. Alexander was kissing Maria. It didn’t even matter anymore. He started crying. Alexander looked at him in surprise. Lafayette entered the kitchen.

“ _Mon ami_ , John, are you okay?” He asked, giving his friend’s husband a look of disgust.

Hamilton approached them. “John, I can explain.”

“Get her out of my house.” John said. “Get her out of my fucking house, Alexander!”

Maria didn’t need to be told twice. She was out of the door in less than a minute. John was surrounded by all of his friends suddenly, Eliza, Angelica, Aaron, Theodosia, Hercules. Everyone had heard the noise in the kitchen and decided to see what was happening.

“Fuck you, Alexander.” John managed to blurt out between sobs. “Why are you even here? Why don’t you just go with her? Isn’t that what you fucking want?”

“John…” Lafayette concerned voice said. He sounded sad.

Everyone else was quiet, watching John fall apart, while Alexander just looked like he wanted to disappear.

Philip entered the room, looking like he just woke up. “Dad? What happened?”

“Nothing.” Eliza said. “Let’s go back to your room, okay?”

“Dad?” Philip repeated. His eyes trying to find John’s desperately. “What’s wrong?”

“Go to bed, Philip.” Alexander sighed. “Let Eliza take you to your bedroom.”

He nodded, giving his father one last look, before him and Eliza disappeared.

John’s cries only got louder, slightly muffled by Lafayette’s shirt.

 “I think we’ll be heading home.” Theodosia announced. Then she gave John a quick hug, and without spearing another look to Alexander, she left the house. Aaron following her closely.

Lafayette took John to his room, while Hercules and Angelica started to clean the table. Alexander just stood there, feeling useless, helpless.

“I’m going home.” Angelica announced.

“Angelica…” Alexander tried.

“Don’t.” She cut him off. “John gave you everything, Alexander. Everything. And you couldn’t even be faithful to him. You don’t deserve him.”

Alexander stayed quiet while Angelica left the house.

He and Hercules sat down the living room, neither of them saying a word.

“She’s right, you know.” Hercules murmured. “John gave up his work. His time. Everything for you and your kids. You couldn’t even be bothered to show up at time to his birthday.” And yes, he knew all that, but coming from Hercules it hurt a lot more. Hercules always tried to stay away from other people’s business. “You have to start making this right, man. You and I know that John deserves better than this.”

“I know. I know.”

“Philip is asleep.” Eliza’s voice interrupted Hercules’s. “I think I’ll be heading home.” And then she just looked at Alexander, disappointment in her eyes. “Goodnight.”

They sat in there for at least thirty minutes, until Lafayette came out of Alexander’s and John’s room.

“Can I go seem him now?” Alexander asked, only to be received with a harsh stare.

“No. He’s sleeping. He hasn’t had a full night of sleep in a while. But what would you know? You were out there, how you say, ruining your own life.”

Alexander didn’t think he could feel any worse. Turns out he could.

“You’re sleeping on the couch.” Lafayette added, and then turned to Hercules. “Ready to go, _mon amour_?”

“Yeah.” Hercules answered, and gave his friend a quick goodbye, before following his husband out of the house.

Alexander laid down in the couch for the rest of the night. Saying that he didn’t sleep in the whole night was an understatement.

When John woke up the next morning, his clock was at 11.37. He really needed a full night of sleeping. It felt nice. But, then… God, he had to wake up the kids. He went straight to Philip’s bedroom, only to find it empty. “Philip?” He called out loud.

“In the kitchen!” Alexander voice replied. He walked to the kitchen slowly, just to find Alexander sitting in front of a table with a full breakfast.

“What is this? Where are the kids?”

“In school. Eliza’s with Hercules and Lafayette.” Alexander explained. “I made breakfast. Sit down.”

John gave Alexander one look, before he sighed. “Look, if you think this is going to make everything better, then you’re-“

“I know it won’t. I just want to talk.” His husband answered.

John nodded and sat down. He tried to ignore the food, but he was way too hungry to care for the fact that Alexander made the food, and started eating anyway.

“You can ask me anything you want.” Hamilton offered. “I’m done with the lies.”

John swallowed everything he had in his mouth, and nodded. “How long?”

“Does that really matters, my de-“

“Answer the question.”

“About a year ago.”

“So… Around the time Eliza was born.” John stated. “Why? Was I not a good enough husband for you, Alexander?”

“No, you were perfect, John-“

“I clearly wasn’t perfect.” Laurens cut Alexander. “I get it, okay? I look ugly. I look tired. I was always sleeping when you were here. She is pretty and young. But I thought you loved me, Alexander. I really did.”

“John, my dear, you know I still love you.” Alexander tried.

“Well, I’m not sure I do anymore.” John blurted out. It was a lie. He doesn’t think he can ever stop loving Alexander. And he hates himself because of that. He really does. “You’re still sleeping in the couch.”

They ate in silence for the rest of the meal.

Philip approached John one night. He sat in the bed next to his dad. “Dad? Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Philip.” John smiled down at his son. “What happened?”

“Why is Papa always sleeping in the couch?” He asked, sadness clear in his voice. “One of my friends said it’s because you’re getting a divorce. Is that true?”

“No, Philip, course not.” John answered. “Papa and I are going through some rough time right now. But it will get better. I promise.”

“Do you really promise?” Asked his son, eyes full with tears. John felt awful.

“I do. I’ll try and do my best to keep that promise, okay?”

Philip nodded, and then hugged his dad.

The next morning, John sat down during breakfast and stare at his plate, without touching his food. “I think we should go to couples’ therapy.” He opined.

Usually, breakfast was silence. That’s why the word took Alexander by surprise.

“Not because of you,” He quickly cleared. “Because of Philip. He thinks we’re getting a divorce.”

“Are we?”

“I don’t know. Not yet.” John decided.

“Okay.” Alexander agreed. “Okay.”

The therapist was a nice lady. She looked around forty-five. Her name was doctor Clarke.

“So… Why are you here?” She asked.

“We’re trying to save our marriage.” Alexander offered.

“John?” The doctor said. “Is that your answer too?”

“We’re here because Alexander decided to cheat on me and destroy our marriage.” John said in response, his eyes finding Alexander’s. He felt like he could finally speak his mind, since the kids were always at home, and John had to act like he was okay. “That’s my answer.”

“Alexander, would you like to explain that to me?” Doctor Clarke responded.

“I…” Alexander, usually full of words, was suddenly speechless. “Her name is Maria. She used to work with me. We had a relationship for over a year.”

“Used? Did you fire her?” The doctor asked.

“Yes. I mean, my boss did.” Alexander nodded. “I don’t want to see her again. I just want you, John.”

“Well, that’s perfect, then.” John said, sarcasm clear in his voice. “You want me now. That’s great. But when I needed you, Alexander, you were never there. So what? Do you expect me to crawl into your arms again? Well, I’m not.”

“I’m sorry, my dear La-“

“Don’t you fucking call me that.” John growled. “And stop apologizing. That’s not going to make everything better all of the sudden.”

Hamilton had tears streaming down his face. “I don’t know what else to do, John. I don’t know how to get you back.” He admitted.

“Maybe you should have thought of that before fucking Maria!”

“I think,” Doctor Clarke began. “That we should leave Maria out of this. We should focus in your relationship. For what I hear, Alexander doesn’t consider Maria a part of his life, so neither should you, John.”

John nodded, breathing heavily. “I don’t know how to trust you again, Alexander. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”

The evening was full of crying and screaming, but John felt a little better after.

There were a couple more of sessions full of screaming and crying. But John felt a little less angry after every one.

Alexander was in the kitchen, talking to someone over the phone. He was whispering. John suddenly felt paralyzed.

“Yeah, okay, that sounds good.” Alexander said. “Okay, thank you. See you later.”

“Who was that?” John asked. Philip, Will and Eliza were at Lafayette’s and Hercules for a play date. “Who the fuck was that, Alexander?”

His husband looked like a deer caught in the light, and John just felt angrier with every second that passed by. “Someone from work.” Hamilton decided to say.

“Yeah, right. Alexander, I swear if you don’t tell me who the fuck was that, I’ll end this marriage right now.”

“It was Lafayette!” Alexander finally said. “Lafayette, okay? I wanted to take you to that restaurant where I proposed. Lafayette offered to take care of the kids.” He sighed.

John suddenly felt bad. He had ruined the surprise. It was just… So hard to trust his husband after what he had done. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

“It’s okay, John.”

The dinner was… Truly amazing. Alexander behaved like a true gentleman. He acted like the Alexander from college, that couldn’t stop looking at his boyfriend, in awe. John felt like he was twenty again. He barely thought about the fact that Alexander cheated on him once.

John kissed Alexander for the first time after about two years that night. They barely even made it to the house, when John was grabbing the back of Alexander’s neck and connecting their lips.

He could feel that Alex was not sure about the kiss at first, but John just kept going. Finally, Alex opened his lips and held John by the waist, leading both of them to the bedroom. John missed this. Feeling Alex body this close to his. The way Alex seemed to know exactly what he was doing. The feeling of letting go, not being in control and letting Alex take the lead.

And then his mind went to the day of his last birthday, Alexander’s hand in Maria’s waist. He wondered if Maria felt the same way. The he screamed.

“John, what’s wrong?” Alexander sounded desperate. “My dear, what is it?”

“I-“ He tried to blurt out, but he choked on his own words. “I’m sorry. I’m not ready yet.” His shirt was on the floor, next to Alex’s. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He saw the hurt expression on his husband face. “I’m sorry.” He repeated. As if that would make everything better.

“That’s okay.” Hamilton murmured. “Do you wanna go to sleep?”

The freckled man nodded, allowing his husband to lead him into the bed and under the covers.

“Alex?” John whispered. Alex was laying down next to him. “Can we cuddle?”

He felt his husband’s arms wrap against his body. That was the best sleep he had in two years.

John’s birthday was just about the corner. He had told Alex he didn’t wanted to celebrate it. He didn’t give him a reason, thought it was pretty obvious. His last birthday was not a pleasant experience. That’s why Alexander decided to give him the best birthday of his life. That’s what he deserved.

“I brought you ticket for the aquarium.” He told John the day after his birthday. “There’s a new turtle. Philip want to go with you, but Will said no. I can take care of him and Eliza, and you can go and enjoy your day.”

John shoot him a confused look, then smiled. “That’s really sweet, Alex. Thank you. Kind of weird, but okay.” He said. Yes, he liked turtles, they were maybe his favorite animal. And he kind of was excited to go to the aquarium. That didn’t mean it was any less of a strange gift.

His day at the aquarium was great. He and Philip took pictures next to the fishes and the other sea animals. He even got to meet the new turtle. They had lunch, and the menu didn’t have any fish in it, what was kind of hilarious.

The got back when it was already dark. The living room was dark, and just when he was about to ask for his husband, everyone screamed “Surprise!”

And yes, he got scared at first, but soon enough he was laughing with joy. Alexander was there, Eliza in his arms and Will at his side, smiling at him. Angelica, Eliza, Theodosia, Aaron, Peggy, Lafayette, Hercules. All of his closest friends were there. Alexander approached, a big smile on his face.

“Did you like the surprise?” He asked.

“Yeah.” John answered. “Not sure if I deserved all of this, though. A day at the aquarium and a surprise party.” He explained.

“You do, my dear Laurens. You deserve everything in this world, and more.” Alex said, looking serious.

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I- I just wanted to say I love you.”


End file.
